Uninvited: Chapter 1: I’d Rather Ignore Honesty

Hey Peculiars, What’s Up?

I’ve been legit dying to share this book with you guys. Uninvited is such an easy read but so thought provoking at the same time. So much so, that I had to walk away from it and just ponder for a few hours. And I was only on the 7th page!

Let’s be real, there’s been plenty of times when we’ve all attempted to ignore honesty. We’ve not only ignored it but we’ve put it on a shelf and acted like it wasn’t there at some point or another…I know I could’ve won an Academy Award for my acting. I can hear it now, “And the winner for best actress is…” I know I’ve walked right past it like…😎😐 I would love to say that it didn’t happen once I matured, but that isn’t the case, more rare now, but I still can pull off a performance when I want to. (I’d like that thank…) 🙏☝🏆🎥🎬🎭 But in all seriousness, there’s no one to thank until I could address my issues and come face to face with who and where I was.

My issue was abandonment, I knew it but I never wanted to admit it and I still struggle with pieces of it to this day. I’m grateful that I’m not where I once was but there’s still work to be done. Forgiveness has helped me forge my way through some really tough patches. I’m learning that forgiveness is like an onion, there’s layers to it, it makes you cry and it doesn’t happen overnight. You can think you’ve dealt with it but depending on the depth of the hurt, it’s possible to have to forgive many times. I also had to accept the fact that I probably wouldn’t get an apology. So let me explain before I get ahead of myself. I’m not adopted, but I often felt like it.

In my experience, when I became close to people, they walked away; seemingly, with no issues, as if my friendship or love meant nothing to them, as if it was a natural occurrence in a day, no big deal. So I’m usually the one who typically ends up distraught; wondering what went wrong. I could be the most fun, supportive, do everything right, great listener, best keeper of secrets, protector of their feelings and dreams and folks will still disappear without explanation.

The problem for me wasn’t so much that they were gone; my issue was I didn’t have the tools to stop it from happening in other relationships. I didn’t know if I was the culprit or not and I didn’t know how to fix it if I was. When I would try to rationalize it, I was the only “common denominator” so I automatically began internalizing it.

Now, I try to combat that early in relationships by telling people that I care about, “If I do something that you don’t like, tell me. I’m quick to apologize. I never mean to offend anyone. Don’t wait and bring your issues up in 3 months cause I’m not going to know what you are talking about. I’m willing to own my faults but I have to be able to reference it. If you need to take a couple of days, take it. Just don’t take a couple of months.” I think the saddest thing is I feel I even need to explain this but my fear is that they will end up disappearing too, so I swallow my pride and let them know off the break.

I know people are in your life for reasons, seasons and lifetimes and I get that but no one was created to be an island. I’m speaking of relationships where there seemed to be more of an investment, or at least I thought there was. Maybe I put too much value on “reason and season” people. I don’t know. If it only happened a couple of times, I might have chalked it up to that specific person or incident but this has happened a number of times across different relationships. Maybe I’m not the one who deserved an Oscar. “The winner in the category of faking in a relationship/friendship goes to…”screenshot_20161110-003356
those who weren’t shocked,  stunned and appalled…

“Self rejection paves the landing strip for the rejection of others to arrive and pull on up to the gates of our hearts. Think about why it hurts so much when other people say or do things that make you feel rejected. Isn’t it in part due to the fact they just voiced some vulnerability you’ve already berated yourself for? It hurts exponentially more when you’re kicked in an already bruised shin.” (TerKeurst, Page 7)

Instead of pointing the finger, I try to dig to find the real issue in me so I can deal with it and move on. The foundation of my rejection began with my dad. (Another topic for another day) But when it comes to my issues with others concerning rejection, I can’t call those people up and ask, “Why did you stop being my friend?” or “Why did you stop being my man, I mean…boyfriend, I mean…whatever you were, had we had titles?” Well, I guess I could but I won’t. I don’t want to beg for anyone’s anything. I didn’t do anything wrong and if i did it’s not like they stayed around long enough to tell me or for me to ask. So, if they wanted to be here, I’m a firm believer, they would’ve. When people find value in something they want, they do it, no excuses. If they valued me more I would’ve been a priority, not an afterthought. It wasn’t like I was the one who kicked them out of my life. They willingly walked away. So in my mind, I will willingly let you. I don’t mind letting go of my ego but I’m not for begging and groveling for anyone or anything but Jesus, and with Him I don’t have to.

I’ve asked guys of whom I still consider friends, “Why didn’t you make me your girlfriend?” and the answer given was…”I wasn’t ready for commitment at the time… I don’t like titles” and “I didn’t want to take responsibility for your heart and I didn’t want to miss out on someone or something else.” (They didn’t hold back, right? I asked for honesty…but dang) As an adult, I can respect and understand that. LIES, as an adult it still hurts and I’ve struggled to understand why rejection continued to win…Rejection=26,448,622, Brittany=0. (at least that’s how it feels.)

rejection-steals-who-i-am

As a young woman I just wanted to know that I was good enough and those candid conversations usually weren’t had until years later. Maybe they were willing to be honest but I just couldn’t handle it at the time. I mean I assume that if I would have had that information, it would’ve ceased immediately but knowing me and my heart, it wouldn’t have…I was in love, or so I thought. I used to toil with the idea of “If they weren’t ready then, and knew that I was great relationship material, then why didn’t they seek that from me when they were ready?”…but I wouldn’t want a relationship like that. I deserve someone who chooses me because I’m who they want. However, anytime I revisit it,  I can’t help but to feel like I’m opening up old wounds with dirty scissors; it still hurts and it makes me feel like Im not good enough for anyone’s love.

“Relationships feel increasingly unsafe. Opportunities fell increasingly risky. And life feels increasingly uncooperative. I carry on because that’s what girls do. But this nagging sense of rejection, real or simply perceived, is doing more of a number on me that I care to admit. Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me…We project the lines of rejection we heard from our past on others and hold them accountable for words they never said. And worst of all, we catch ourselves wondering if God secretly agrees with those who hurt us.” Page 8

Maybe that’s why I’ve run into the arms of God the way I have. He wants me, He’s covered me, He’s willing to take responsibility for me and my heart. He provides for me and accepts me just the way I am. I’m His beloved. Fat? He loves big girls…and medium and small girls too. He loves us all but His love is personal for me, He died for ME… you too but in the story of my life, ME…because He thought I was just that important. I never felt like I asked a lot in these relationships, just for consistency and reciprocation and that seemed like a task no one was willing to take on but God. So in turn, I’ve given Him my attention. Yes, I would like to have a family but I want it to be in His timing. I don’t have to force it. It will happen when it’s suppose to happen. That doesn’t mean that I’m lazy about it either. I can date but give my love? If it came to that I would be open but I haven’t met anyone who I feel deserves it. So, until then I live my life, focused on bettering myself, the relationships that have remained and being in love with my God 😘

 

-Beebz 🦄

 

 

 

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