How’s was your day today? I hope it’s been excellent so far…So I initially wrote this a couple of weeks ago right after Thanksgiving. It was a really emotional post due to several things I had been going through. At first I wasn’t going to post it because I didn’t think it was relevant anymore but I realized that this issue was the source of my turn around and figured that someone could possibly benefit from it…So here it is.
I legit had a breakdown at work today (Wednesday, November 30th). I couldn’t even consider being embarrassed, it was too late, I was too deep and didn’t even know I was.
It all began on the Monday after Thanksgiving. I was refreshed since the weekend I spent with my family and was still pretty pumped. I got to my desk, completed work and got ready for the day. At about 8:45am, I received a reminder for me to go to a different location which was right down the street, for a 9am training session. So I went, got there on time, couldn’t get in the door, got in the door only to find (after I waited about 15 minutes) that there were no classes scheduled there today. Heated was not the word…Needless to say, I texted my supervisor to let her know. She responded by telling me that she knew it was at our location anyway, which I could’ve done without. The whole time I’m thinking…Why am I even taking this training anyway. I’m not going to be doing this work since y’all want to get rid of me. I mean, I don’t add any value anyway, right? (the adding value is a whole other story) Needless to say, I went back to my office and found the correct training and ended up arriving 30 minutes late.
Today, (November 30th) was my good friend’s last day. He was able to jump ship right after we were informally advised that the 5 year extension that was promised, wasn’t for us, specifically but for the Offshore team that works with us. Again, I was slated to go to another training at 9am, got my 15 minute notice and walked out the door. It’s raining cats, dogs and cows. I get there and this time although there were classes, it wasn’t my class. Again, I came back to my desk, but this time I was soaking wet, hair fuzzy, water slouching around in my shoes and all. Just for my friend to tell me that he wasn’t going to do two boxes of work, complain about his new job that he hasn’t even started yet and tell me how displeased he was that my face was showing each and every emotion. It took everything for me not to slap him into the Middle Ages. I headed for my desk instead, wheeling the two boxes on a cart because that work he decided not to do became the work that I had to do. So I commenced to doing it, angrily.
At 11 am my supervisor arrived asking me about the work that filled my desk and I told her I was having a bad day and what had happened and began to go off…I guess she could tell cause she left my desk with the quickness and for some reason returned to me with bloodshot red eyes as I was trying to hold back exploding. She took me in the bathroom and I know that tears were rolling down my face but I couldn’t let my cries out. I think I had a full blown panic attack in the bathroom.
So in this chapter, Lysa is speaking about attending a party where she was alone. Everyone seemed to be friends having these in depth conversations and she felt too awkward to jump in and join them. She tried looking for connections all around the room but couldn’t find any.
Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.- TerKeurst, page 43
She then began to recall different situations in her life where she had problems connecting whether it been with her husband, other writers or a women’s group. She realized that she at some point felt inadequate; everyone else’s ideas were more creative, better thought out, pride kept the silent treatment going, and her contributions weren’t enough. But then there was a moment of clarity where she came to herself and recognized that it was her, her lack of planning and most of all “not being prepared in advance with the fullness of God.” These were unrealistic expectations she had, that if she showed up she would be invited in.
Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.- TerKeurst, page 45
I’m making sure to note that quote because at the time I didn’t agree or maybe I just didn’t understand the point. I too, have been in very awkward social situations. In fact, this blog is rebellious to my nature because I believe I can be socially awkward and to put all of my feelings on the internet is terrifying to me but I wanted to challenge myself in this area. In social settings, I’m either the social butterfly or I’m the one standing in a circle of great conversationalist daydreaming, not knowing when or how to jump in or if I’d be crucified for my point of view. So I wind up offering a few head nods.
TerKeurst further explains her point when she states:
Here’s the secret shift we must make: Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look to bless others? or do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?- TerKeurst, page 45-46
And that was what I was missing. I never looked at it from that point of view…that what I had to contribute was a way to bless others. People were certainly blessed when I’ve shared in those comfortable social settings where I could be myself and I was blessed by the contributions of others because it gave me different perspectives that I may have overlooked. While, I knew I was blessed by the exchange, never have I looked at it as if I didn’t share it was withholding someone else’s blessings.
I know this is really detailed but she goes on to relate this concept to living loved. Basically stating that love gives and the flesh takes.
Being full of God’s love settles, empowers, and brings out the best of who we are. On the other hand, the more full of the flesh we are, the more we grab at anyone and anything to fill that ache for love and acceptance.- TerKeurst, page 46
Therefore, that crowded room shows you exactly where are. We think we are loving and giving but that is a facade because what comes out of you or doesn’t come out of you in those situations is the true measure of where you stand with God and who you are as a person.
That Wednesday, November 30th, I wasn’t living loved. I was living in fear, I was living scared…I wasn’t living. I was fearful that God had backed out on His promises to me. Like I said before, I started this blog to challenge myself. This wasn’t the first time I had thought to do it but I made sure I did it because I knew that I needed something in place before my job ended. I thought if I could get it started then God would have something to work with. It sounds like I was okay with being disobedient until I needed Him. Here again, I didn’t mean to be so selfish but when times get hard the real you emerges.
Furthermore, God doesn’t need me to provide anything for Him to work with. If I had wrote this entry sooner I would’ve realized that earlier. I was saying, singing and even thinking one way but flesh was coming out of me in the form of a panic attack. Where was my peace, where was the smile that always grazed my face, where was the love? There was none because I thought love turned its back on me. I thought love saw my need, looked past me, ignored me and began entertaining others while I stood in the crowd not knowing what to do next.
I know I keep referring to God’s “fullness,” but what is it? This was really something that stuck out for me. I think it’s the habitation of His love. It’s just like a new relationship, at first you are only focused on that person’s love for you but you don’t remember how focused you were on that a couple of years into it. At that point your focus changes from how they feel about you and the relationship to everyday issues; but fullness is always being focused and aware of it.
At the core of who we are, we crave the acceptance that comes from being loved. To satisfy this longing we will either be graspers of God’s love or grabbers for people’s love.- TerKeurst, page 47-48
His love has to anchor us so that when opposition, such as rejection or hurt, happens we won’t be derailed. You may not always feel the fullness but because He brought it to you and it’s a gift you can operate in it at any time. You wouldn’t receive a gift on one day and put it down. No, you receive the gift, you open it and you use it. You don’t have to keep receiving gifts constantly. Yes, there is a blessing in receiving it but you haven’t fully received until you use it and you explore its usefulness.
I know this was really long but I was going through a lot that week and it fit. I hope this helped someone. Plesase let me know if it did in the comments.