Strength I Didn’t Know I Had…

Hey Guys,

I had a post saved, or so I thought. Needless to say, it’s no longer available. But the drama I spoke about in the last post was actually drama with my dad. I called him to wish him a Happy Belated Valentine’s day (02-15-2017).  He immediately stated that we needed to talk. So we spoke, he ranted about everything he’s ever done for me, what I’ve done wrong and his feelings and I let him speak but then there was a point in the rant where he asked when did things go wrong and I decided to tell him the truth. It wasn’t when he told me to never call him again, or when he told me my kids weren’t gonna love me (cause I knew they would, all kids love me 😉 ) It was during the last family reunion that my grandfather was alive. On the last day we had brunch and the family “representatives” were stating their experiences about the weekend and he went up to the podium and said a speech that I don’t remember but what I did remember is that he said …”my beautiful family.  Oh yeah…and Brittany.” Granted, I wasn’t sitting at the same table as him, my step mom, and sister but it was the first time that I felt that he owned how he felt about me all along. “Oh yeah…and Brittany” as if Brittany wasn’t his first born.suffering

He stated that he didn’t remember that incident and apologized. Of course, he didn’t…it was years ago. (Right now, I can’t decipher if that was intended to be sarcastic or just stating the facts…you decide) After that, the conversation took a turn. Maybe it was him realizing that although I didn’t blast him how he had me, I was going through  a lot too. He felt unloved, so did I. His biggest disappointment was the ending of his marriage with my mom and not having a great relationship with one of his daughters. My greatest disappointment was losing my virginity,  having daddy issues and feeling like those daddy issues have somehow repelled the right guy from me.  My point is, it’s life. We all have issues welcome to the human experience. He, then, stated how he wanted to prove to himself that he could do it so he got remarried and had more kids. I explained that he was lucky because he got a second chance, I didn’t. I can’t have a second childhood, I can’t go back and not grow up under the weight of divorce. Unfortunately, I will always be a product of it. I don’t get a second father. My childhood was wasted on a relationship where an adult wanted a kid to act like an adult, making adult decisions and when those decisions didn’t happen, the child was harshly ridiculed until she cried, the other adult saw her crying, they cuss each other out and then the child gets reprimanded for bring one household into another. So, until, I let those words slip out of my mouth, I didn’t realize that I secretly hated that I didn’t have a choice. My parents divorced when I was a baby but I also didn’t realize how grateful I was for it at the sametime. Grateful because this experience has shaped me; good, bad and ugly. I can’t say that if my dad was there mentally or emotionally, if I would’ve ran to the arms of my Heavenly Father the way that I did. I love the Lord, not because I went to a fancy private Christian school or grew up in church but because I felt abandoned, unloved and neglected; while everyone was telling me that I was lucky because I knew who he was, I secretly thought it would’ve been better had I not. accepting-the-war-strong

There were other things discussed but these were the highlights. I personally felt like we’ve had this conversation all of my life and I declared that I will never have it again. I wanted to skip the blame game, recognize that we are both hurt which puts us on a level playing field and move on, if that’s what we decided to do. He, on the other hand, felt like he needed to continue the conversation so we did that Sunday. Since then, I’ve spoken to him on my ride home from work nearly everyday, that was my takeaway. He says he’s old school and needs phone calls of which I don’t have much time because I work so much but I offered to try and stated that I would during my car rides home. I’m hopeful that finally this relationship can reconcile but if it can’t, in the long run, I’ve done my part. I believe every girl needs her dad and I believe that I still need mine. So…hopefully this time it will work out.

So, why am I sharing this with you guys? Because I’ve been away trying to sort this out, because We, The Peculiars is about owning your truth, Because I’m doing a book review about rejection, chapter by chapter to heal and I can’t heal if I’m not willing to be honest about it and lastly, because it can let someone else know that they aren’t alone. You may very well know who your father is and spend time with him but you might also be suffering emotional abuse and no one knows and you’ve never heard anyone talk about it. So if you wanna hear what I have to say about it, here it goes…It SUCKS, you don’t deserve it…I didn’t and I don’t deserve it, even now, but I’m  stronger because I endured. The abuse didn’t win, it didn’t change me for the worse. It made me better and if God brought me to it, He is well able to bring me  through it. I don’t have to take it and I may have been justified to walk away years ago but I’m not a quitter and despite all, I love my family. I’ve forgiven, I know he didn’t know me and how amazing I am because if he did, he wouldn’t have done it. I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t not about them, it’s about you and so I continue to love hard. Everyone has their cross to bear, a story, a trial to endure and this was just mine. I won because despite all I’ve been through I’ve allowed my trials to make me better and not bitter. I still love and I hope for the future. My prayer is that if you’re going through, that you have the same resolve in your heart; forgiveness, love and the drive to win above all of the foolishness.

Love you guys.  For real.

Beebz ❤

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3 thoughts on “Strength I Didn’t Know I Had…

  1. Very inspiring. I often find it sad that we as daughters seem to more than often put on our big girl pants and reach out to the untouchable, unavailable, fathers. Yet your conversation with your dad was a blessing, I am sure. Whether it was a cleansing opportunity or a closure process to begin the healing of old wounds, a blessing nonetheless. I put on my big girl pants just in time to reach my untouchable two months before he passed. And still did not have the true conversation of rare honesty and the baring of one’s soul as you have. Thank you for sharing a bit of what makes you, you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thanks for your words, Arnetta. I really appreciate hearing from you. I had no idea that we had commonality here. I do look at it as a blessing in retrospect. I’ve been talking to my dad since the conversation and I really expected them to be empty but they aren’t and I’m so grateful.

      Like

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