Good Morning Guys
Today I just wanted to share my heart with you. I’m nervous…there I said it. It’s never good to be double minded but I must admit, this week I have dabbled. I had very high highs this week where I was incredibly inspired and those were followed by pretty low lows filled with doubt and anxiety. Let me lay it out for you and you be the judge.
1. I’ve allowed other’s opinions about this time off to creep into how I see it. I was super excited about the possibility but I’ve been getting the “What are you going to do?” questions. I started thinking about my finances and what I was gonna do for money. I think subconsciously I equated it with not being able to buy anything anymore so I found myself spending a lot. It’s fear. Fear, that God won’t provide for me or that I won’t be able to provide for myself.
2. I’ve allowed how other’s view my physical appearance to change how I feel about it. Yesterday I went to the barbershop at the request of my mom. After the second time of cutting my hair low, I decided to grant her request because I thought I cut it uneven or so I thought. At first, I felt empowered, when I cut it. I had the whole “I’m not my hair!” thing down pact. Most woman are scared to cut their hair because they don’t want to look like a boy but the opposite happened for me, I realized no matter what I did, I could never look like a boy and I felt extremely feminine. Then I went to the barber…he cut it even lower, I asked him to just even it out and not cut the front of my hair. I didn’t want a shape up but he cut off my sideburns. Let’s just say, I feel a bit self conscious this morning. I know it will grow back but why did my self esteem go out the window with a couple more guard changes of the razor? I took a big step when I cut my bra length locs so it doesn’t make sense to allow not even an inch to cause me to change the way I see myself. It’s fear. Fear, that I won’t be accepted or seen as attractive.
3. I’ve spent the week clearing out my desk. This was coupled with my hands shaking uncontrollably. I initially thought it was from coffee I had drank earlier because it wasn’t my normal brand. This persisted for a couple of hours. It wasn’t until I got to the bookstore that I realized it stopped. (Who knew that the bookstore would be where I would find solace? Look at God!!) It’s fear. Fear, of being rejected and that no one will notice that I’m gone or it could likely be a combination of everything.
4. A friend dumped all of their worries and doubts on me in the name of me being a listening ear. It’s fear. Fear, that the solutions that I have won’t work. They are operating in fear as well and there’s also fear that I will take on their offenses.
I’ve been told half of the problem is acknowledging it. Well, I’ve done that. I know that I’ve operated in fear. Personal Development, says to take a 100% responsibility for what happens in your life with the notion that I create my life. I have to let it go…Now or Never. I can’t allow myself to go into this new season paralyzed any longer. So I choose to let it go now, making adjustments to reassure myself that I can and will stand in the midst of trials.
I hope this helps someone who is battling fear in this season of your life. I pray that you, in the midst of your storm, realize that it’s as simple as letting it go. You can do it now or never. You have the power to allow it to paralyze you or for you to grow despite the hindrances of fear. Change your hindrances to stepping stones.
Remember, even plants have to die to themselves to become more. It’s a process. Give it light and water; resources which are seemingly far from the root, where they need it most, but somehow it still aids in the nourishment of the plant, so stay encouraged. Your resources may be seemingly far away but the will still be life-sustaining. The plant is also in hard, rocky spaces, worms all around and buried in poop and still it thrives, in fact, all the crap (literally) not only makes it thrive but it makes it beautiful. If you learn from these situations and use humility, you will be beautiful ob the inside. You will be planted in poop at times, it will stink, it won’t be fair and worms will surround you, because life will happens. Everyone is in the same position, you must figure out your strategy. Do you become more and allow obstacles to make you better or cower, buckling under pressure?…its your choice. You create your life.