So today I wanted to talk about “Relationship Resumes.” It’s a term I dubbed when I was in a phase of my life where I thought I needed to explain all of my good characteristics. Everyone has one. It’s the “I’m a great girl with a good head on my shoulders. I love God, long walks on the beach and my cat. I go hard for those I love” conversation…I don’t have a cat but you get my drift. Anyway I felt the need to talk about it because it’s been coming up in conversation a lot lately.
I had a conversation with a friend about her self esteem and she kinda went into her Relationship Resume spill. As I’ve matured and I guess even through experience, I’ve learned to throw away my Relationship Resume but that wasn’t always the case. I use to lead with it. When I met a guy, not right after I met him, but at some point fairly early in the relationship during the “getting to know you” and “tell me about yourself” phase. I’d list my Relationship Resume to let him know I was the “real deal.” It never had the impact I thought it would. I thought they would be thoroughly impressed about how well I knew my abilities and strengths but what I understand now, that I didn’t then, is that if I was so amazing then why was I still single? Don’t get me wrong, I am that amazing (If you don’t think so, no one else will) but you can’t lead with all of your amazingness. They have to find that out for themselves.
One of the biggest faux pas I’ve seen is the “I’m not like every other girl.” While we differ in detail, by in large, when it comes to larger issues…Yes, you are. Most women want to be in a relationship that has vision, they want to feel special, they want their partner to want them, not necessarily need them but want them, they want to feel that they make a contribution and that it’s valued…I could go on and on. The thing is, you actually might not be like every girl but does it make you more appealing to broadcast it? No! It doesn’t. By broadcasting it, you feel like you are distinguishing yourself from all the other women in the pack that may be on his radar. It makes you feel good and look weak. The issue with that tactic is that it’s likely that 3 or 4…or all of the others have stated the same thing. Taking it a step further, it’s likely that someone in his past made that very announcement verbatim but he might have been able to get them to do the very thing they stated was so different. So by broadcasting it, it’s likely that he’s shut down the rest of the conversation to shift his focus on proving you wrong just like he did the other woman, he is a hunter, after all. I’m not by any means saying this is all men but it’s likely this could be a scenario.
I’m no relationship expert, but I can talk about what I’ve done wrong and this is definitely one of them. It’s not that I don’t have the Relationship Resume cause I do, (I know I said I threw it out but let’s be honest, it’s memorized) I just don’t lead with it anymore. When I meet someone I’m myself, if he sticks around long enough, he’ll find out all of the amazing things that come with me. I’ve changed from me having to be a viable applicant to him having to be one. I’m now the employer. I’m not the hunter, I’m the hunted. It’s simply a change in perspective and it’s growth…it’s learning to value myself.
The other day I got a revelation about this. I thought about a guy that I was crazy about and it came to me that I was stuffing my Resume down his throat. (This was years ago, by the way) Okay, say he would’ve dated me then what? I would’ve been trying to prove how great I was, opposed to just being myself, enjoying life and allowing him find out how bomb I am for himself. I don’t want to guilt, force or harass anyone into wanting me. I want that person to want me because I already embody what he finds appealing.
Even if I could do that, I realized that he would’ve misused me because it wasn’t solely his decision. Unfortunately, had it played out, I probably wouldn’t have seen that. I would’ve walked away thinking he was a horrible person. The truth is I would’ve been the horrible person. This is the same person who said they loved God. The God that loves us enough to give us free will. How do we make such claims?…but we try to manipulate folk into loving us…that’s not God and it’s not love but that was me, a hot mess. I didn’t need a relationship. I needed to focus on myself and why I felt the need to do convince, coerce and manipulate. It wasn’t healthy. Now, I do things differently, obviously. I let them hunt. You want me, you have to show me that you’re worth it and if you can’t, then we can be friends, everyday and twice on Sunday but you won’t be in my space.
How did I get there? I spent time with myself, learning to like me. People are quick to tell you to love yourself but how do you love yourself if you don’t even know if you like yourself? I began to like myself, I found my identity and worth in God by reevaluating my life. I asked myself, “What’s so bad about your life?” The answer was nothing. I realized all this time that I didnt need a man to rescue from a miserable life. My life was good. I didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’ either. Just cause a friend got married that didn’t deminish me. I’m not getting married to be like everyone else. I’m not in competition. When I get married it will be to stay married. Until then, if I needed rescuing, I could do it myself. I value myself because I create the life I wanna live. I’m developing myself. That changed everything for me. I began to value my time, my space and my peace. Learning to love myself was a byproduct.
Relationship Resume gives people diarrhea mouth. They can’t help but to sing their praises. It’s rooted in desperation but more than that, fear. For me, it was fear that this person was gonna be my last chance at love. Fear and faith can’t live in the same place. I can’t go home at night and believe my Boaz is coming and then try to force that title on every and anyone; trying to convince them that they should give me a chance. That’s nonsense, don’t follow that madness. You shouldn’t want love you have to talk someone into.
While still receiving the revelation, I saw a antelope eating grass and the lion pouncing. The antelope didn’t have to announce itself. While minding it’s business, feeding itself (That will preach!), the lion was looking for an opportunity to pounce. The antelope doesn’t have to coerce the lion into believing it’s desirable. By nature, the lion knows the antelope is good for it and the lion goes after what he wants. Don’t lead with fear and desperation. You are to be desired. I’m not saying that a man is supposed to chase you but he should be making an effort. What’s for you is for you, no manipulation needed.
Let me know about your Relationship Resume below. Was there a time where you led with it?
*All visuals are are not my own and are from the motion picture, Disney’s Who Framed Roger Rabbit.