Let’s be honest, we’ve all been on the short end of the stick in some situations. We’ve been done dirty and even stabbed in the back by people we’ve loved most. We’ve been betrayed and deceived, drug through the mud and left for dead. We might even wonder if we’ll ever recover. What’s worst is when you perceive that God might be on the other end of that stick.
I’ve been there so many times but there was only twice that I thought that God could’ve intervened. I thought He was holding my past against me by not allowing love into my present and another time when both of my grandfathers and a influential uncle died in the same year. I felt really alone and low. I thought God didn’t love me because He took all the great men in my life that cared about me which pulled on the previous perception that He was holding my past against me which resulted in me believing that I was unlovable.
To err is human, to forgive divine. -Alexander Pope
So how did I forgive God? How did I forgive the amazing men who left me? How did I forgive the “horrible” men that were still here? How did I not hate my circumstances? I forgave myself. I know it sounds really simple but it was never about them. When we fail to take 100% responsibility for every situation, cause and effect, circumstance, result, failed expectation, reaction and mistake we put chains on people. Expectation are just one of the chains, we box them in but we don’t realize that we then become responsible for keeping them in jail. This can very easily become an obsession because you then have to make sure they don’t escape the box you’ve built for them. If that wasn’t bad enough, these people usually know nothing about it, we placed all of these unknown plans on them and then get mad when they can’t or don’t rise to the occasion. STOP THAT FOOLISHNESS!! You want something, someone, some outcome get it done. Don’t put that on anyone else, not your father, mother, family history, not your children…STOP. If you have goal and expectations for yourself… fine. You know what your goal is and you can take the necessary steps for achieving them but it’s just not fair to put things on people without considering them, without them having a say. It’s not fair and it’s selfish.
Once I realized it wasn’t my dad’s fault, he did the best he could with what he had. It wasn’t my mom’s fault or my friend’s fault or my ex’s fault. It was me who needed to forgive myself for my past. My own ideas and beliefs of my past was holding me back. They were the prison I created for myself subconsciously. It was simply an outside manifestation of what was going on on the inside. My vibes were off and caused everything to rebel against me because I wasn’t right. There’s no secret to forgiveness, just deal with you. If you can change, everything else around you will respond differently. You don’t have to hold on to pain and hurt, it’s a choice. We don’t realize that we can become comfortable in those states and hold on to it so much that it becomes apart of us. It becomes a crutch, a way to gain attention but we have to let go of our safety blankets and deal with us.
When I changed my perspective, I realized no one was against me. God always loved me but this life isn’t just about me. There is a time clock on everyone’s life. Yes, it was unfortunate that tragedy happened so close in time but they lived good lives. It wouldn’t have been easier saying goodbye at a later date so I had to make peace with that. I also realized that I didn’t have a man not because I couldn’t get one but because I decided that I only wanted to marry the man that God had for me. I didn’t wait for anything else but I wanted to leave marriage in the very capable hands of the Father. I’ve dealt with men on my own and wasn’t successful so I decided that He could do a better job. I can’t put the outcomes of my own efforts on God. I did that, I’m responsible for that instability. So, I had to be patient and allow Him to work. Rebuilding takes more time especially when demolition is involved and it was. Everything had to be torn down, even my very foundation. It’s not pleasant but I know it will be worth it. If I had built it right the first time, I perhaps wouldn’t have had to deal with this but I’m grateful because everything works together for my good. This is my testimony and although it’s annoying constantly being asked about it, I can’t allow that to cause me to rush God and His plans.
Last but not least, I had to become more. I had to level up. I couldn’t stay in one place and think that it was someone else’s responsibility to make the best out of life with me as I was. No, I had to become the change I wanted. Realistically, I can’t ask for a doctor and I was a pan handler. I had to get out of that romantic comedy I had playing in my head. I had to take time to assess myself. What did I want and be brave enough to change the things I didn’t. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m becoming better so I can attract better, authentically. When you’re busy working on yourself, you have no time to take on any offense, to be resentful or to hold grudges because your focus is on getting better and being grateful for having the ability to do so. We don’t realize that we just accused Almighty God of being unfair to us. If He decides to hold His breath we all die. We really don’t know who we are dealing with. It’s really imperative that we humble ourselves. Getting back to my previous point, positivity and negativity can’t live in the same place so simply absolve the debt of whatever was done. Release it, unlock that person’s chains and free yourself from the duties of being their jailer. Live your best life now and love on God because He loves you and so do I. See you soon.