Yesterday I caught up with my best friend, Sabrina after a couple of days of playing cat and mouse. We typically talk every other day, if not every day. So we started catching each other up on the events that we missed and got into a really deep conversation. We always have good conversations but this one was different or at least we haven’t had one like this in awhile. We’re the type of friends that can talk about everything or nothing at all and it’s fun either way. We can talk everyday or not talk for months and pick up where we left off.
Last night we talked about things that you feel but you don’t want to elaborate on because you don’t wanna be “that friend.” You know, that friend that is always talking about “that relationship.” Don’t act like y’all haven’t had one of “those relationships.” You know what I’m talking about. The one that when you were in it you talked about it so much that you even got tired of hearing about it. The one that you couldn’t wrap your mind around so you felt that every time you were in the presence someone who had some sense and a listening ear, which was usually your best friend, you had to run it past them so that they could try to make sense out of it. That’s the one…we talked about those, she talked about hers and I talked about mine. For me, I got so tired of reliving the past I told myself I wouldn’t bring it up again. So typically, I’ll listen to everyone else, rarely bringing up my past unless it’s to relate to their issue.
I’m saying all that to say, that there was a portion of our conversation where I got choked up. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been bottled for so long and I remembered how I felt or if it’s still something there. Honestly, she might not have even noticed but I realized that it was still a sore spot for me when I felt the frog in my throat and it happened when I said this…
If I’m so fantastic, I’m a good person, I love God, I have morals and things…and try my best not to misuse any of it. If I’m beautiful and fly and funny and creative and loving…why wasn’t I being chosen? If I’m warm, dependable and an all around virtuous woman why am I not being chosen? Why is that? Simple question but really profound when you say it out loud. I’ve been in my share of “situationships” in the past, but why hadn’t anyone recognized that I’m a good thing…that they wanted… more than just a maybe from someone or somewhere else?- Beebz
I can think of 3 relationships that really meant the world to me. Each of which, I could’ve seen myself with at that time, some of which I thank God that He didn’t give me. Even still, with all of their mess I was willing to choose them but ultimately they didn’t choose me and I can sit here and say that I was ahead of their time but really, what does that mean? That my love was too whoa for them (reference to Mya) anyway let’s get on with it…
The first relationship was in college, we had a crazy connection. I learned a lot about chemistry from that one. It’s a wonder I didn’t do better in the class, but oh well. We were on and off for years but we were really never committed to being an “us.” I really loved him and I know we had love for each other but he wanted to do him and he did. After getting my heart broken (several times), I remember pleading with him telling him how he shouldn’t throw away what we have, how it’s so special and that I’m right in front of him. He was the guy I referenced in my Relationship Resumes post. That night I laid it out there for him and he very calmly told me he didn’t want a relationship until junior year and he got one, it just wasn’t with me. It never came together and after awhile I knew too much about him to try to make a relationship with him. Y’all know I keep it all the way trill, I didn’t want my body count going up. So for years we were on and off physically too. He was going through women and I was trying to get my life right with Jesus and in between me being on fire for Jesus, I was backsliding with him. Through it all, we became really good friends which we are till this day. This was my emotional phase and something that could’ve been great was relegated to a physical level.
My second relationship was around junior year, I met him online. On the day we met in person, I completely threw caution to the wind and met him at his house. I thought I looked cute and figured why waste a cute outfit. I ended up falling asleep on his bed only to wake up to find my cute outfit betrayed me. My low cut V neck top allowed for my boob to fall out. Not only did I fall asleep and slobbered but he saw my boob on the first day! How embarrassing, right? But he was cool obviously…We had a cool situationship. I didn’t want to be the girl to ask where was it going and by the time we introduced sex to it, I REALLY didn’t feel comfortable asking. It got to a point where he wanted to stop having sex because we were such great friends, he didn’t want to ruin it but I told him I could handle it. I knew he was right but I figured if that was the only way I could keep him without going to the friend zone then, sex it is. I figured he’d come around and now that I look back on it I’m sure that was man talk for I don’t want to be tied down, either way, we connected on a soul level. We were both really creative and loved art but still he never pushed to make it more and by the time he realized what he had with me he was having a child with someone else and he wasn’t sure I’d accept her so this was his reasoning for not pursuing me. To my defense, he never asked, he never fought to make it right and him and the girl ended up married.
My third major run in was with a guy at work. We connected spiritually. He was also creative and super hot. I had never met anyone who loved God that much and was that attractive. That intrigued me, so I pursued him. I felt safe with him. Have you ever had such a connection with someone that you don’t have to have any physical interaction but just to be in their presence or hear your name roll out of their mouth was enough? That was him. We would have lunch together and share an orange everyday (Oranges were my thing) and our knees would touch and my whole entire life was made. We talked about moving to LA, me to pursue fashion and him to pursue acting. He knew how I felt about him but stated that he didn’t have himself together and that I shouldn’t fall for someone’s potential. He eventually gave his 2 weeks notice, without telling me in advance and moved to LA without me. Everyone in the office just knew he would send for me but he never did. I thought for sure he was the one but he’s currently living in LA and has a girlfriend. I waited years. It wasn’t his fault though. I wasted my own time.
After that, I really pursued God but have been so much out of the dating scene that I don’t really know how to date or flirt anymore and my past relationships play on my self confidence at times. I’ve dealt with a lot of issues that I had concerning rejection but clearly there’s more to be dealt with if I’m getting choked up when I talk about me not being chosen. I’m 34 and I don’t know how to be in a relationship. That scares me. If I met someone would I know how to maintain it? I think it’s why I don’t put myself out there because when I did, I wasn’t chosen. None of these men realized that I was worth it when they had me. I know that 3 guys can’t speak for anyone else but that’s why this is a confession. This is why dating terrifies me.
I also wanted to add that I’m not exposing this for attendees to a pitty party. Not at all. I have a good life but I do feel like if something arises like this it’s not by chance. It’s time to deal with it. I’m not really sure how but this is a way of trying to rid myself so it’s no longer a sore spot for me. I’m not mad at the course of my life. If my dad chose me, if any of these guys chose me, I wouldn’t have run to God the way I did. He chose me, in fact, I was His first choice and He constantly choosing me. If He had to come back and die on the cross just for me, I know He would, I truly believe that He would do it all over again, just for me. That brings me comfort but apart of it I must admit, still hurts. I told myself that I was ahead of their time and that worked because it was outta sight, outta mind until me and Sabrina decided to go where no man has gone before.
What do you think my next steps should be? Can you relate to my dilemma? Do you have any dating advice for me? Let me know below in the comments section.