I keep going back to last week’s post and the emotions I was going through writing it and now this…
Blessed are those who mourn for they are comforted. -Matthew 5:4
Was I comforted? Yep, Tahiti did it for me. Knowing that the people I loved were in Tahiti enjoying the beautiful beaches and relaxing, somehow comforted me. Sometime after, I did mourn but it subsided once I reviewed their lives and realized they got their reward. I hadn’t…I still had mine to earn and honestly I’ve mourned different obstacles in my life more.
I missed them, of course…but mourned them? Naw. I know that sounds crazy but to mourn indicates that I felt regret or sadness about the loss or disappearance of something. There was no regret there and I hadn’t lost them. I knew where they were. Everyone knew where they were. These men, while here, had sown amazing amounts of love and joy into my life and into the lives of others. They ran amazing races and received their reward. The rest of us should be so lucky, but what I did mourn was relationships, always have…and then I got a revelation yesterday…
Don’t doubt your giving based off of the perception of whom it was given and don’t let that perception determine what you deserve in return. I did that and I don’t know why that was unlocked yesterday but it was so clear as I was walking through my front door.
I go deep in relationships, I am not, nor have I eva been, a surface type of girl. When I involve myself with someone I am extremely vulnerable and I’ve often allowed people access to my heart. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t appreciate that and often see it as a weakness to take advantage of and many times I’m left mourning over the broken pieces. I find comfort in knowing that I was true to myself, that I gave it my all and knowing that I can put myself back together.
This isn’t necessarily just in romantic situations but relationships of all kinds, I’ve mourned the outcome of my selfless gestures but then again, if they were so selfless why did I care about the outcome? I sow what I sow, that’s my responsibility and as long as I gave unselfishly, why am I affected by what they do with it? That’s none of my business, right? But does that thinking make me a robot…cold and heartless, if I’m constantly giving without expecting anything in return? What about reciprocation and the expectation of reciprocation? Shouldn’t I expect a return in my investments?
Take for example, the post I did last week about sliding in my crush’s DM’s…I reached out because I wanted to check on him and most would say I did my job. So why did I feel some type of way when he asked for my number and failed to use it? I let that outcome further prove that my giving was in vain and that because of his actions, it somehow validated my singleness…but it shouldn’t have.
That thought sucked and as soon as I thought it I pushed it out my mind by remembering that everything I wanted to know was answered. He didn’t ignore me. I wanted to know how he was doing and I found out he was fine. There was no need for further explanation or expectation, no hurt feelings or disappointments. I guess the realization that I got what I wanted, me staying true to myself and me doing something out of my comfort zone somehow provided positive reinforcement. If he calls he calls, and if he doesn’t, I’ve lost nothing.
To be quite honest, I don’t mourn my singleness. I don’t want to be single forever but I’m okay if I am. I’ve come to like my life. I have no complaints and the things I could complain about I’d rather work on fixing them with the free time I have being single. I would like a relationship but in a way being single has become more of my comfort than something to mourn. The mourning usually occurs when I finally think there’s progress and I get my hopes up and nothing changes or the fact that I’ve wasted my time, not really what I gave but who I gave it to because maybe they weren’t worthy. And as I peel back the layers of what it could be, I get to the one the concerns me the most, “If I attract who I am then why aren’t I attracting quality when I believe that I am and what if I’m not?” I still don’t know why it bothered me in the first place. Maybe because I’ll never be able to figure out why he didn’t call or maybe it’s because I’ll always wonder what could’ve been if he had. Either way, it’s out of my hands and my heart.
Ultimately, blessed are those that mourn because those that mourn face themselves. They have to ask themselves the hard questions to get out of their lowest points and yet are comforted in knowing that there’s nowhere to go but up and that my friends, is supernatural.
What do you think? Can you see the correlation or naw? Did I stretch this topic too far? I hope you got something outta of this and if you did, let me know by liking, commenting and subscribing. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow and as always, Stay Peculiar!