Y’all I feel so boring now. When I was rolling with the blogging it seemed to come as second nature. At that time, I was posting up to 5 days a week. Now, I feel like a novice again. What I will say is that right now I am at an interesting place in my life. I am sure I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I feel like I’m waking up. I can’t explain it really but I’ll try.
It’s like I was on cruise control and it didn’t occur to me that everything was going to hell in a hand basket. I just didn’t care about anything. Things that I would care about typically, I didn’t anymore. My bills and everything…should’ve been overwhelming but no one would’ve known because I was so at peace. It wasn’t a facade though. There was no inner turmoil. I just checked out. And now, I’m embarrassed. I used to be a stickler about my bills so to “wake up” and see the notices and to witness weird numbers calling is beyond. I didn’t want to post because I am honest with you guys and I knew I would have to confront my carelessness.
I’m not perfect, just today I cussed several times over my allotment. No excuses, everyday I’m striving to be better but this is crazy and then I saw this.
This was so timely for me because the weight of handling everything on my own for so long, waiting on the Lord, caused me to disassociate. I stopped praising, I stopped writing what I was thankful for, I stopped sharing. All while I was posting on Instagram beautiful, thoughtful, faith driven post, I was hurting. It’s not that those posts weren’t truly how I felt. I knew those posts registered with me deep down but on the surface I was hurt and didn’t know how to apply those things. Truth doesn’t stop being truth because you don’t know how to apply it. So here I am. You probably are disappointed that this isn’t a glow up or wondering how it ends. I don’t know how it ends because I’m still pulling myself through it.
Have you ever experienced something similar? How did you recover?
I love you all and I hope that we will continue to grow together. I believe something beautiful will come out of this.