Dazed and Unbothered…


So there’s a whole new editing situation on WordPress that I had no clue about. I guess that’s a clue that I haven’t been consistent. No need to tell me, I know.

I’ve not been consistent because to be consistent would’ve meant that I was in touch with what was going on with me and around me. That would mean that I was conscious, I wasn’t…I’m not…but this is nothing new. I’ve expressed this many times before.

This is my effort to get back in touch with…with…with something that’s missing. Something that I’ve been quietly longing for and not knowing how to apprehend. So here I am, showing up, reporting for duty. I wish that I could describe how I feel better than what I have. I know something is missing and I don’t know what it is. Is that normal? I don’t even know why I’m asking that…I’ve never been normal. I guess I just feel like I don’t have a grip on things. I don’t know how, where, when or what. I believe that God is the who and I think the why is linked to my destiny/purpose. I am anxious, borderline stressed because I don’t have the answers. I feel like a failure and see what I have slipping out of my hands.

I didn’t think I was a materialistic person but when you are single and everything you have and built is solely based off of you, you become very aware that you would like to keep those things. My struggle has been to trust God and if He says let them go, to let them go without emotion. At this point I may not have a choice. I may be losing my house, my furniture…everything I worked for. Right now, my good name (credit) is probably the lowest it’s ever been and I constantly feel like crying when I think about it. So I don’t. I don’t make enough money to have the basics. 

Let me give you some background information. I’ve been single for a really long time, I’m 35 with no children. Everything that I’m “known” for is a fun loving, Christian who is the bomb because she’s able to handle everything on her own. I’m a bit of the underdog who’s always prevailed in spite of circumstances. At 25, making next to nothing I was kicked out…given a month to find shelter. My mom and I didn’t see eye to eye back then and my father didn’t want me to impose on his other family but he did help me look for a place. In less than a month, I had a condo. He gave me a gift of $2k to put down as deposit and for the next 5 years everything was on me. Fast forward to my current home, a townhouse, things were quite different. My mom was in my corner and she also helped with a gift of $2k for the initial deposit, again everything on me.

Now, I get it, you may be reading this thinking ” You’re grown, it should be on you.” You’re right. It should be and it was, I never complained about that, if I wanted something, I sacrificed to get it. I’m proud that I’ve been able to accomplish all that I have, I’ve purchased two homes before 30. In 2017, I was laid off of my job that I had for over 10 years. At the time, I had two jobs and when my full time job ended, it was hard to find employment that met my salary requirements to keep up my lifestyle, plus…I thought I finally found my purpose in blogging. Needless to say, that didn’t pop off the way I had hoped.

Now, I’m here, with a part time job that I love but the pay is laughable to say the least. I dodge several calls a day from bill collectors and am anxious when I turn the lock to my door. I’m pleasantly surprised when my things aren’t spread across the lawn. As much as you think you aren’t materialistic or don’t care about what other people think, I’ve learned that I do and I am. I’m embarrassed. My newly lowered credit score isn’t a reflection of me. I don’t know about you but when you see people have excessive bills I’ve secretly judged them wondering what they do with their money and now I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that judgement.

In the past, I’ve always been early to pay my bills, super responsible and now, if you judged me by my credit score, you would see anyone but that. You would think I’m irresponsible and that I blow my money but not true. Life is expensive and money doesn’t stretch as far as it use to. In this “Entrepreneur heavy” climate I’m sure many would encourage me to start a business. Trust, I’ve thought about it. I’ve stressed over it. I’ve asked myself about purpose, begging God to reveal it to me and it boils down to I really don’t know where I fit, what to sell, my niche or how to find my passion. I feel stuck.

Looking back over the year, I was really proud of the way I started but it’s never how you start but how you’ve finished. I guess we say it’s how we start because we think that will determine our trajectory but sadly, I think it’s the middle where you begin to pick up momentum to help you finish strong. I’m still trying to figure out if my theory is true or not. The middle sucked and so now I’m in a space of wondering how I can change that. If I’ve missed my opportunity to make it the amazing year I thought it would be, I wonder, how can I recover? I have no idea. I guess I really don’t know now that it’s December. So I’ve been stating things like “What’s for me is for me.” What does that mean? What am I trying to convince myself of? That I can’t miss my destiny even if I tried? That I release myself of all responsibility and place it on God, like so many of us do? Well that would be…Yes. I’ve felt as though I haven’t had the capacity to deal with the overwhelming chaos that is my life’s current state…but I’m here.

I started this year thankful, really thankful. Everyday I wrote 3 things I was thankful for months…evvvvveeeerrryday. That stopped. I’m not sure when but it did…abruptly. I didn’t think it was possible since I was told that if you did something for 21 days it created habit. I reverted. Apparently, that isn’t true for me. Thanksgiving has just passed and it wasn’t difficult for me to figure out what I was thankful for but it was things that didn’t push me or create passion or gratefulness. They were average things but the average is worth being grateful for too, right? I’m grateful for people who honor me. I’m grateful for my family and friends who show up for me and not just me for them, the ability to have peace in the midst of storms or at least to seemingly have peace. I’m grateful that I still have my smile in the middle of my stress. I’m grateful that I am employed and last but not least, I’m grateful everything works for my good. It may not always look or feel like it but I know that it does. 

Anyway, I’m not gonna wrap you guys up. I love you and I’ll talk to you soon. 

Beebz ❤

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